Her Diamonds
Depression. Definition: taboo.
For those of you who have experienced depression, just reading that word probably gives you that ‘ugh’’ feeling in the pit of your stomach.
I’ve suffered from depression for most of my life, stemming from childhood abuse. It’s something that comes and goes when life hits me with things that I can’t fully comprehend. Sometimes depression shows up unannounced when life is going extremely well and I think to myself WTF? Other times it’s a slow buildup and I can feel it coming, stuffing it down until it screams out at me ‘you’re not going to win this time!!’ And then it hits me full-on.
I had been dealing with a toxic work environment for almost a year now, and I tried to block it out of my emotions. Working on my book and the Everyday Being platform was bringing me joy, so I was able to avoid dealing with it enough. My memoir, the Lotus Tattoo and website became an addiction. I worked long hours to support my online community and continued my self-care of meditating, praying, and helping others.
Yet stuffing down the emotional stress from work eventually came crashing down on me. I had been using my new superpowers of feeling empowerment to fight the situation I was in and leveraging all the right channels. I advocated for all the others that were in my same situation. We rallied together to speak out. We escalated. And we won. Sort of.
Just before the holidays, it happened—the crash. I was depressed. For most of my life, I rated my mental health on a scale of 1-10. Before my rock bottom 10 years ago most days I rated myself at a 1 or lower. In the last 10 years of my healing journey, my average day has been closer to a 10.
So I was surprised when in December I realized I had hit below a 5 on my mental health scale. Each morning I cried as I readied myself for work. I dreaded leaving the house. I wanted to stay home and sulk. I meditated, listened to motivational podcasts and prayed for my spirit guides to support me through the day. All while the tears fell down my face, smearing my mascara as quickly as I was putting it on.
Why had I hit such a low?
I was ignoring my own emotional needs. Let me show you.
Depression Cycle
The depression cycle
Depression My frustrations regarding the toxic work environment brought me stress, anger, and anxiety.
Addiction: Increased focus to my book and platform, something that brings me great joy, to compensate for my lack of joy at the office.
Compartmentalizing: Shutting out all other areas of my life that brought me negativity, so I didn’t have to deal with it.
Avoidance: Not addressing the issues of my two teenage boys who were going through their own struggles. Ignoring the needs of my husband who wanted to be heard and seen regarding his own issues. Not calling my parents to see how they were doing.
Ignoring Emotional Needs: My family brings me joy and yet I forgot that because I wasn’t strong enough to take on their issues while dealing with my own. And I felt alone again.
Depression: Ignoring my emotional needs led me to more depression.
And then I lost focus on everything. My writing, my platform, social media. And my family. It all came to a full stop.
"When you are depressed you surround yourself with things and are detached from people; when you are healthy you are detached from stuff and want to show love to people around you."
- MARISA JONES
It’s hard to explain to others who do not suffer from depression what it feels like. It’s as if you are standing in a crowded room full of people and yet you’re all alone. The room is dark. The noises are loud, yet dull. The figures are there, but unidentifiable. Your mind aches and you’re afraid. Fearful that if anyone brushes up against you, that you will break into a million pieces.
So you tighten up. Surround yourself with anything familiar and comfortable–a fragile shield against the world, yelling at anyone who comes close by, should they touch you.
And you don’t talk about it. You know they won’t understand. You don’t want to burden anyone. So your depression becomes taboo.
Have you heard the song, Her Diamonds, by Rob Thomas? He wrote it for his wife who suffers from an autoimmune disease–I believe Lupus. As he doesn’t know how to help her, he watches as she suffers in her own being. She is unreachable emotionally, and he also suffers not knowing what to do to help her.
This is what depression feels like to me. And I know it’s hurting those around me.
Once I realized how bad the depression had gotten, I reached deep into my back pocket and pulled out all of my tools. I journaled. I wrote a gratitude list. I worked through my Understanding Your Expectations worksheet regarding my work situation. I worked through it again after a blow up at my younger son. I went to see my massage and reiki healer. And everything started to make sense to me.
I realized my trigger was abuse. Abuse from the toxic work environment brought me back quickly into the cycle of depression. Even though I had been handling it different than I have in the past—this time from a place of empowerment, it was my kryptonite.
What I should have done is taken that empowerment and gotten help with a counselor, coach or therapist while it was happening. But I was in too deep to realize what had happened. And I thought I could handle it on my own.
Today the depression is gone. I’m making my family a priority again as I need them for my emotional well-being as much as they need me. My husband and I have a coaching appointment to see how we can get back on track. I am more engaged in my sons’ struggles and am able to guide them as I have before. And I have a hypnotherapy session scheduled for my personal healing.
Depression. I know it will come back. Only next time I will be prepared and call in my resources early on. I WILL get help and talk with someone. That’s what the resources are there for. They are there for me so I don’t have to walk this path alone.
Depression. Definition: taboo
But it doesn’t have to be.
Check out these Resources for support. If you don’t see anyone in your area, give me a call and I’ll help you find someone.