Mindful Shifts for Understanding Your Expectations

Did you know that your expectations are the key to your emotions? Anger, frustration, sadness, happiness are all a result of our expectations being met–or not.

We all have expectations, yet we don’t consciously think about what those are as we go about our day. It’s when our expectations are not being met that we start demanding others to meet them. “You didn’t empty the dishwasher tonight! You should have cooked dinner while I was at work! You should have cleaned your room today!”

Sound familiar?

Your expectations can ruin your day, breakup a relationship, get you to yell at your kids ...

Or

It could make your day the best day ever.

The key element to which outcome you have is understanding your expectations.

My husband, Mike, often jokes about wanting his own bedroom, and in the past we used to get into heated arguments about it. When we first moved in together, he moved into the house I lived in with my kids. He wanted to keep his apartment so he would have a place to spend time alone and also sleep.

Mike had two young daughters and wanted us to be a family, but having his own place meant he still kept his independence. I argued the fact that a family lives together, and one partner doesn’t keep their own apartment on the side. While he didn’t keep the apartment, he still wants his own bedroom and brings it up from time to time. Mike, at six feet four inches, just wants to sleep comfortably, and he enjoys watching TV before bed. I’m much smaller and like to sleep with the TV off, so when it’s time for me to fall asleep he compromises and turns down the volume. But with me and a couple of our dogs sleeping with us, our bed can get crowded.

I came into the relationship with expectations that a couple should sleep together because if we didn’t, we would lose our connection and closeness that I enjoy in the evenings. My husband’s expectations are that he just wants to sleep comfortably and that we can still remain close, even from separate bedrooms. More than seven years later, it’s an discussion that we continue to have, though it no longer includes the heated exchanges of the past.

In almost any situation we put ourselves in, we bring to it our own set of expectations. Whether it’s walking into the grocery store for ice cream, going into a meeting at work or moving in with a new spouse, we unknowingly walk into it with a set of rules we have created based on our past experiences that guide us toward what to expect.

When I was going through my infertility period, I had expectations that once I wanted a baby, I would automatically get pregnant. And then once I got pregnant I had expectations that I would carry that baby through full-term. Because my expectations were not met during those times, I spent those years of my life in a sad and depressed state. In the beginning, each month I expected a positive pregnancy test. Then my thoughts changed to each month expecting a negative, as it had always turned out that way. My expectations that I should carry a child had consumed me and I allowed myself to become a victim of that expectation. It wasn’t until I changed my expectations and realized that I could adopt my second child that I started feeling better about my situation.

A few years ago, I lost my job. My initial expectation was to find another job soon after. When it didn’t happen right away, I started to sulk and get depressed. My husband convinced me that I needed to let go of my attachment to finding the perfect job and spend the summer with him and our kids. I had gotten a severance check to cover expenses for a few months, but my expectation of going back to work to keep the money flowing kept gnawing at me. I had attached myself to what I thought would make me happy.

But I took his advice. I practiced yoga, hiked and did walking meditations every day while also spending time with my family. After a few weeks, I could let go of this attachment. With my expectations of what was next now gone, my time off turned into a wonderful sabbatical with my family, during which job offers kept coming in without me even looking.

We expect a lot from all those around us. I have expectations that my dogs will behave when I take them for a walk. I have expectations that my kids will be respectful and do well in school. I have expectations that I get my paycheck on time each month. When our expectations are not met, our actions are a reaction to the negative emotions we feel of not having them met.

However big or small these situations may be, the cause of so much frustration, anger and arguments in any relationship ultimately leads to this one question: Why haven’t you met my expectations? No matter the relationship, whether it’s a close friend, family member, spouse or someone you barely know, it’s important to always talk about expectations within the relationship.

If it’s a romantic relationship, talk about what happens next once you move in. Can you each continue to go out with your friends, and if so, is there a curfew? Do you want to get married or have kids? Who’s doing the laundry? Are you sharing a bank account? What about doing the dishes? Both individuals in the relationship need to be clear with one another how you see your life together once you start sharing the same bed, as even that is an expectation in itself!

Every interaction we have with another human being comes with expectations, and our past experiences usually define what they are. Sometimes we have expectations we’re not even sure where they came from, but they still dictate how we react to a situation. In these instances, you may be fighting a cause you really don’t care about, but because your expectations were not met, you may continue fighting for this cause that eventually hurts your relationship.

Does it matter that the dishes were left in the sink last night? Does it matter that your friend couldn’t make your birthday dinner even though she was surprised with an out-of-town trip planned with a new boyfriend?

Think about what the expectation was and why you were upset. Are you hurt because your expectation was that your friend meet your family at this dinner and that was important to you? Or was it that she chose him over you? Or perhaps the expectation was that you have been hinting to your boyfriend to take you on a surprise trip and your expectation with him was not met. If the latter was the case, then once you realize this, you may no longer be mad at your friend.

Tips for Managing Expectations:

• The next time you are upset, think about what your expectations were.

• Steer away from assuming those around you know what your expectations are.

• Talk about your expectations with the other person involved.

• Evaluate why you are having those expectations and what it is you really want before asking someone to meet them.

• Consider what expectations the other person may have and try to understand their side as well.

I spent my entire life living by expectations that were consistently never met. As a consequence, I went through life repeating my mantra: Why me? It’s not fair. As I changed my beliefs around my expectations, I learned that understanding your expectations, talking about them, and letting go of your attachment to them can bring something of much more value to you in the long run.

If you're interested in understanding your expectations, schedule a 1-1 Coaching call with Marisa!