7 Tips for Stress-Free Parenting
When my kids were little and we were having a rough day, I would say to them, “No one ever gave me a book on how to be a parent. I’m doing the best I can!” Obviously, there are a lot of books on how to parent, but who’s to say that any of them are right? Parenting comes with its challenges, and no one book is a perfect fit for any parent. Before I became a parent, I was very judgmental of other parents and had my own thoughts about how to be the perfect parent. It took me having my own kids to realize that each family has its own challenges and parents must do whatever is the best fit for their family.
I have made both good and bad parenting choices as a mother. I’ve found over the years that I have not been alone in those choices. The stress of parenting can force us to behave in ways that we may not be proud of, even when we think we are doing what’s best for our kids.
Through my transformation, I learned to be more loving and patient with myself and think more positively toward others. With this change I realized that I also have a lot more love and patience for my kids. No one book will give you the answers on how to raise the “perfect child” or be the “perfect parent,” but taking care of yourself first will help you love and care for your children the best you can.
Here are my 7 best tips for Stress-free Parenting:
1) Everyone is going to offer you advice—take what works for you and throw out the rest.
Every infant/child is different, so you must adjust your rules and plans accordingly. When my kids were little I’d take advice from experienced friends or from a book I read and try to use it, but it didn’t always work. When my son cried at night as an infant, the advice I read was “Let him cry it out.” After days of sitting outside his door as he screamed and I cried, I knew that advice was not going to work for me. Another one was “Don’t ever let your kids sleep in your bed.” When I was going through my divorce, having my kids sleep in my bed was both comforting for me and them. No one knows your family better than you do, so hear it all, but take only what’s useful.
2) Sleep when your baby sleeps.
This is important not just when your child is a baby, but also when the kids are grown. The message here is that you must be well rested so that you can have more quality time with your children. For example, If you are busy doing laundry and cleaning up messes while your infant child sleeps, then you will be even more exhausted and have less patience with your children when they are awake. When they are older, the same can be applied to when/how you run your errands, work, clean house, whatever it is that keeps you busy. Try to do those tasks when your kids are busy with other activities, be it in school, at a friend’s house or asleep. I told my kids too many times, “I’m too busy,” when they were younger, and it took separation from them during my divorce to realize that the time I spent with them needs to be quality time bonding and making a connection. As my kids grow older, I take the same advice, and when I am with them, I am spending quality time with them rather than doing other busywork that keeps me from having conversations with my kids.
3) Put your adult relationship first—it’s what gives your children a solid foundation.
Whatever your circumstances may be, the adults in the house who are raising the kids must have a strong relationship. Your situation could be a couple, grandmother/daughter, mother/caretaker, father/friend. Regardless of what that adult relationship is, it’s the foundation your kids are learning from. That foundation must send a message of love, trust, support, and reassurance for your kids. My first husband and I did not put our relationship first, and that led to our family coming apart in the end.
And most importantly, whether or not you are in a relationship, putting yourself first is key to having a strong foundation for your kids to depend on. One night when I was making dinner I made my plate first and my husband, Mike, called me out on it. My response was jokingly, “A mother lion always feeds herself first before her cubs so she can stay strong for her kids.” While my family didn’t think it was as funny as I did, I meant it. You have to take care of yourself first, then your adult relationship, then your kids—having a strong foundation for them is critical to being more present for them.
4) Don’t have guilt or regret for what you do as a parent.
Unless you are hurting your child, having guilt or regret for how you live your life and raise your child does your child no good. When my kids didn’t like my rules and we would fight I would tell them, “You can talk about it in therapy when you are older!” (which they are now actually doing thanks to behaviors they learned from me in my earlier years). However, I don’t have guilt or regret about those days.
When they were young I traveled a lot for work, and when I was home, I wasn’t there for them because I was too caught up in my own self-pity. I didn’t think I gave them what they needed, but maybe I did. I am who I am today because of the strengths my father gave me, regardless of how he raised me.
My father still has a lot of guilt and regret for how he raised us, and yet I like who I am. I wouldn’t be this strong, independent and confident woman I am today had he raised me differently. And as my relationship with my father was “predetermined,” my kids and I also agreed to come to this earth together and take this course—it’s what we signed up for. While I could have been more present with my kids in the early years, what happened was exactly how it was intended to play out and all I can do is learn from it and move forward positively in my relationship with them.
5) Trust your instincts.
When my son was four months old, he cried out in what I thought was pain when he peed. I went to his pediatrician several times and was told I was overreacting and my baby was fine. I finally made them do a urinalysis, and it turned out he had an infection. At four months old, my son had surgery to correct a blocked kidney valve. Don’t let anyone else or any book or doctor tell you that you are wrong. As a parent, you know your child better than anyone else, so trust yourself and act on what your instincts tell you.
6) Don’t try to keep up with other parents.
Many kids today are playing two or three sports a season, taking music lessons and doing all kinds of other activities to live up to their parents’ plans of what they want them to be. I always struggle with wanting to give my kids the best opportunities for success but at the same time being fearful that if I push them in one direction, I may limit them from other amazing things they could possibly achieve.
My kids are not overbooked with after-school activities. When other parents talk about all the activities and achievements of their kids, I always joke, “I accept the fact that my kids are mediocre.” My kids are far from mediocre—they are smart and intelligent, and I learn from them every day. When my boys were younger, a psychic told me that I had two children, an indigo child and a rainbow child. Indigo and rainbow children are part of a larger category of children called star children. There is one more child type called the crystal child. These star children have different characteristics of coming to this planet and have unique abilities such as being extremely empathetic, more aware of their surroundings and wiser than most kids or even adults, and sometimes they come here with remembered experiences of past lives.
I had no idea what those terms were when the psychic told me at the time, but I tried to keep an open mind. When we got home that night my older son, Tino, was playing video games. I had never given much attention to the screen name he’d picked out when he was five years old. I had forgotten about it altogether until that night, and when I saw his screen name I was floored: “Rainbow crystal.” Tino always talked about “not fitting in.” He had a lot of friends, but he would state he felt as if he was from somewhere else, not of this earth. He had empathy for the weaker and younger kids and for animals. Was that just a coincidence?
My younger son, Joey, used to write and tell many stories and adventures of what seemed like a past life living in wartime. He also drew very technical and detailed drawings of electronics all over his body and could tell you how it all functioned. Whenever things were going badly, Joey would say to me, “I’ll sit next to you because I’m your positive energy,” even though I had never spoken those types of words in the house before. Or “God is on my side—I know that,” when the only religious teaching he had ever received was in preschool and first grade.
My kids may not be in sports or have their days full of school activities and clubs, but even as young adults their intelligence astounds me and I look forward to what adventures their lives will lead them to.
7) Practice detachment with your kids.
When my kids were little, the stresses of life and raising a family would frustrate me and I’d take my anger out on them. One day I thought about my nieces as well as my friends’ kids and wondered why I didn’t get frustrated with them. Whenever I interacted with them, I saw them as individuals. I was engaged listening and talking with them and saw them with different eyes. I realized it was because I was detached from them. I had no expectations from these kids so they didn’t frustrate me. I decided to practice that with my son one day. While we were lying on the floor reading a book, I detached myself from him. I looked at him as an individual and thought, What if he wasn’t my child? In that moment I saw my child in a very different light. I was able to see him for who he really was. Whenever my “mom moments” come back, I try to take a step back and see them for who they really are, and those are the times I find they are teaching me and we are having the best moments together.
Parenting has its challenges, and there will always be pressures from others on how you should raise your kids. In an earlier chapter of my life I wrote this in my journal about my kids when I was having a bad day: “How will they sum me up in one sentence when they are older?” My advice to myself and other parents is this: just love them, do your best and hope that if they can sum you up in one sentence at the end of your life that it’s a positive one. What do you want your sentence to be?